Will I be a good father?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with my father. I think that I enjoy a pretty good relationship with my father. We get on well and have a great deal of respect for one another. So I was surprised, even a little bit shocked when I realised recently that my dad was the classic absentee father when I was growing up.

It’s not that my parents split up when I was young or anything, they had (and continue to have) a close and healthy marriage. Rather, my dad was just so completely caught up in his work. I know it’s a bit of a cliche, and it certainly doesn’t make my childhood particularly special or unique, but it was a pretty important realisation for me.

It has definitely helped me to understand where a lot of the dynamics of my relationship with my dad come from. We don’t talk a lot about personal things. That’s partly a guy thing in general, but it’s also a characteristic of our relationship. My dad leaves me in no doubt that he loves me and is proud of who I am (which is great), but in a lot of ways he doesn’t understand me or relate to my views and perspectives on things. While sometimes I wish we could be closer in these sorts of areas, I’m grateful that the love and respect we have for each other transcends these potential conflict zones.

When we get together, we tend to do things with each other. Again, that’s partly a guy thing, but it’s also an important part of how we work. We work on our cars, our houses, or just manage the barbecue together. We get the clubs and slog some golf balls or go to the movies. A large amount of our quality time is spent doing stuff together, time spent doing a lot and saying little. Silence can be golden.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that this time is a form of communication in and of itself. Spending time together makes a statement about what matters, about who we are and how we relate. We show each other tricks and tips on different jobs, there’s a sharing of knowledge passing in both directions across the generational divide. Sometimes it boils down to a simple, non-verbal statement that makes it clear, “I want to spend my time with you”.

But it’s also important to remember that these times together also lay an incredibly important foundation for the times when we do converse about the stuff that matters. Those conversations are incredibly low-key and carried out in a peculiarly male shorthand. But they’re important and all the more precious for their rarity.

I’m grateful that I can have such a good relationship with my dad, the man who’s been the most important example in my life.

I guess I’m also starting to look to the future and the time when I may be a father myself. There are some things that I’d like to do differently. I’d like to be around a lot more than my father was when my kids are young. I’d like to be there for more big events and be able to build a close relationship with my kids from the start.

I’d like to be able to talk with them pretty openly about anything and everything. I’d like to be able to navigate the treacherous stages of life without screwing them up too bad. But most of all, I’ll be thrilled if I’m able to enjoy the kind of relationship with my kids that I enjoy with my dad now.

~ by wrothful on April 15, 2008.